To be or not to be a SAHM

I was laid off this summer. This was something that I had seen coming for months. I had not been at my position with the company very long. However, I really liked my job. As far as jobs go, it was golden. So, I am home with my 5 year old.

 Having the summer off really took a toll on us financially, but I got to spend the summer with my daughter. Still it is much different being at home without a car (both cars broke down at some point this summer) and without money. We had fun, but all of those grand plans of adventures and bonding - well, they kind of got forgotten in the mist of everyday stuff like laundry and me hurting my back.

My daughter is everything to me and I love being her mom.

But I have to ask myself is it better for ME to be a SAHM or working-mom?

I stayed at home with my daughter went she was born, mostly because I couldn't work. Physically, I was a mess. This created a lot of great bonding time in my daughter's memory, but I remember struggling and fighting with my boyfriend about the lack of housework being done. When I was able to again, I worked here and there for a temp service and had months when I was a working mom. There was a time when I worked and 'dad' stayed home with the girl. They are awesome together! 

When she turned 3 years old, things started to change. I saw the signs and knew that she was ready to start pre-school. I had no very little idea of how much it would cost to put her in a pre-school program, just for a half day. There was only one option. GO BACK TO WORK - FULL TIME!

I went back into daycare (I have a love/hate relationship with working at daycares that goes back 10 years). We moved. I was laid off from the daycare and I got my dream job (sort of). The company that I worked for actually didn't care that I would have to blow off at 10 am because the daycare called and my kid has a fever. I worked from home at times and had amazing relationships with my manager and co-worker. 

I felt empowered. I felt useful. I was using my mind - after knocking the cobwebs loose - and it was great. I remembered that I was important to more people than my daughter and boyfriend. I remembered that I was smart, funny and really great at customer service, marketing, and office work. I even got to use my amazing skills at social marketing. 

I loved going to work. 

I loved being with my family on the weekends.

I did not love coming home from work, it was too much - yet, something that you just did. As a mom there is an emotional energy that is expected from your child that, after 8 hours of customer service and marketing, I just didn't have for her.

I still haven't found a job. We do need the money. My daughter starts kindergarten in September. I just have to figure out how to balance working and being a stay-at-home-mom and in the meantime enjoy the rest of the summer home with my daughter!

Looking back at the preschool years

Today my daughter graduated from preschool. Her teachers created a wonderful ceremony and gave the perfect gifts.The kids were lined up in their caps and gowns to sign their favorite songs and I watched my daughter and her classmates. I was in love!

Preschool is an amazing time in your child's life! The world is still so new and there are so many things to learn and explore.Each kid stood in front of their parents and random family members smiling and laughing. They were proud, but not sure why they were proud; they were also scared, not sure what to do with the fear and excitement.

I feel like everything is happening so fast and it is very cliche. I remember the doctor's appointment where I knew that I wasn't pregnant and was proven wrong. I remember driving to my boyfriend's house after that appointment and crying because I was so happy. I remember holding my baby, my daughter the moment after she was born. The rest is a blur of hair, chubby cheeks and a little girl that grew way too fast.

Preschool was an amazing time for my toddler. I watched her grow physically, mentally, emotionally and socially. I was really lucky to be working at my daughter's first daycare/preschool and become good friends with her teacher. She did amazing things like recite her first book, learn to paint real pictures, recognize her letters and numbers. She learned about sharing and what it means to play in a group. She learned how to deal with bullies and friends' having a bad day. Most importantly my preschooler learner that school is fun!

My baby girl is growing into a beautiful young girl. She is amazing and I am so proud of her. I need to remember two things:

1. slow down and watch her play
2. not to cry until the bus drives away