Monday, June 22, 2015

The only person allowed to judge me....

My daughter is my world. She is this amazing little creature that can make me laugh or cry tears of pride without even trying. I was ready when she was born - ready for the unexpected! Children are strange little people that need so much from us as parents.

Daughters need even more from their mothers. There was something that I knew about, but I didn't realize how much she would judge me. She is 6 just turning 7 over the summer, so this isn't the kind of judging that small minded people do when then don't understand something. She see what I do; she listens to what I say even when I'm not talking to her. I am her example of what it means to be a women.


That is a lot of pressure.

What do I do now that I have these two dark brown eyes following my every move? Watching me get ready in the morning - putting makeup on, watching me as I look in the mirror (how do I look when I look at myself?), and watching me as I change my outfit for the third time because my clothes just don't fit right.

What do I do? How can I go about my day with those eyes watching my every move? I am not a confidant woman. I do not have good self-esteem. I get down on myself because I know that I make bad health choices & then I get angry because other people make those same bad choices, but they didn't put on nearly 100 pounds and balloon to over 300 pounds when they were pregnant. I did.

*The is the first time that I have publicly admitted this* 

It makes me sad. Sometimes it makes me hate myself, hate who I am. I hate the way that my body hates me! Oh GOD! Why does my body hate me so much? I don't eat fast-food everyday. I hardly eat anything some days.

Then there is the injuries - my first car accident were I was injured in happened when I was 12. Plus the lack of positive and productive healthcare from my doctors when I was hurt. I didn't get PT; I didn't get a new nutritional guideline. I got a note that said I was not to play gym and a stern warning that I could hurt myself even more, if I - well - acted like a kid!

On top of that I was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 18. My hormone problems were explained, but still no solutions were given.

I struggle, daily, to find happiness within myself. I know that I deserve happiness. I know that I am worth it. I know that I am special, kind, smart & funny. I am a talented human being with so much to offer, but I don't feel it. It is hard to know things that you cannot feel.

So, what to do once I gave birth to an amazing baby girl?

I took the adage, "fake it, til you make it" to a whole new level. I lied my ass off. Every chance that I got I told my daughter that she was beautiful and so was I (although I didn't feel it). I told her that she was smart, just like her mommy (something, as I would tell other people, that used to be true). I told her that we were talented, amazing, creative, incredible creatures that were blessing from Heaven.

Fake it, until you make it. 

Its been nearly 7 years and it got harder as she grew older. It is not easy to trick my daughter, she is so smart and logical. If you know her father, you can see that she is just like him that way. But me, I was cursed, or blessed (depending on the day), with being emotional. I feel things even when I think something differently. She is starting to see through my mask. I needed to make a change because in 7 years, I still hadn't made it!

I took an active role in my health, went to a nutritionist & made up my mind that my body doesn't really hate me (its more of a love/hate relationship). I started making changed. Slowly.

The update, after nearly a year of work, I feel different. I physically feel different (the scale says somewhere around 10 pounds, but I feel more like 10 years of change). I feel differently in my soul & my heart. I find it easier to love myself. I find it easier to be proud of myself. I find that the negative thoughts just don't show up as often. I am happy.

[PS if you want help and/or support in your own journey to loving yourself, please contact me. I would love to pay this forward]